I just wanted to pipe up to say that I've found this entire page of comments and conversations to be really interesting and powerful.
And your question raised a memory in me. I ran into an artist friend of mine several years back. She was a fat woman** who had dropped some considerable amount of weight. She was still beautiful and curvy, but part of what made me approach her to comment (we were at a huge party at a club) was that she just looked so incredibly happy.
I considered my words before I went up to her, because I felt that saying either "You look fantastic!" and/or "Congratulations!" was suggesting that all the time I knew her before this weight loss I'd been thinking, "God, you would look fantastic if only...
But then I thought about how hard it is to lose weight. Our bodies fight it every step of the way; we all have a place where our body is comfortable (whether we are comfortable or not is about emotions / emotional adjustment, I think). And so it was clear that she had decided that she wanted to lose weight, and had then worked damn hard to do so, and if everyone studiously ignored that she has lost a certain amount of weight, she would get no positive feedback for her determination and work. And so I did tell her that she looked beautiful, and that of course she always had; and I did offer my congratulations because I thought they were in order for doing the things that few of us in the world can actually do (when and if we want to, and I'm by no means implying that everyone wants to). We had a great talk, and actually grew closer that night, partly I think because I did comment positively on her weight loss (thus not ignoring it), but in a way which was acceptable to her.
** I thought about it before using the word fat to describe my friend, and I'd love to know your thoughts. I used it because it's a word I'm seeing used by so many people who are so fucking healthily in love with themselves. And I feel like writing about her by saying, "She was a large woman." would be ... it's as if by not naming it I'm saving her the embarrassment of it. The sweet euphemism.
At the same time, I know that while the term "fat" is being reclaimed, it's also still used derogatorily. A lot. So... what do you think? ... I guess generally if someone uses a term (perhaps especially a reclaimed term) to describe themselves, it is generally acceptable for others who are allies and friends to do so. But what if I'm talking about someone for whom I don't her/his personal id/comfort therein? Of course, in most situations, the question isn't going to come up, but what about when it does because it's relevant to the conversation re. what we did or what happened etc.?
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Date: 2004-07-16 05:09 pm (UTC)And your question raised a memory in me. I ran into an artist friend of mine several years back. She was a fat woman** who had dropped some considerable amount of weight. She was still beautiful and curvy, but part of what made me approach her to comment (we were at a huge party at a club) was that she just looked so incredibly happy.
I considered my words before I went up to her, because I felt that saying either "You look fantastic!" and/or "Congratulations!" was suggesting that all the time I knew her before this weight loss I'd been thinking, "God, you would look fantastic if only...
But then I thought about how hard it is to lose weight. Our bodies fight it every step of the way; we all have a place where our body is comfortable (whether we are comfortable or not is about emotions / emotional adjustment, I think). And so it was clear that she had decided that she wanted to lose weight, and had then worked damn hard to do so, and if everyone studiously ignored that she has lost a certain amount of weight, she would get no positive feedback for her determination and work. And so I did tell her that she looked beautiful, and that of course she always had; and I did offer my congratulations because I thought they were in order for doing the things that few of us in the world can actually do (when and if we want to, and I'm by no means implying that everyone wants to). We had a great talk, and actually grew closer that night, partly I think because I did comment positively on her weight loss (thus not ignoring it), but in a way which was acceptable to her.
** I thought about it before using the word fat to describe my friend, and I'd love to know your thoughts. I used it because it's a word I'm seeing used by so many people who are so fucking healthily in love with themselves. And I feel like writing about her by saying, "She was a large woman." would be ... it's as if by not naming it I'm saving her the embarrassment of it. The sweet euphemism.
At the same time, I know that while the term "fat" is being reclaimed, it's also still used derogatorily. A lot. So... what do you think? ... I guess generally if someone uses a term (perhaps especially a reclaimed term) to describe themselves, it is generally acceptable for others who are allies and friends to do so. But what if I'm talking about someone for whom I don't her/his personal id/comfort therein? Of course, in most situations, the question isn't going to come up, but what about when it does because it's relevant to the conversation re. what we did or what happened etc.?