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susanstinsonThe bellman at the Nolose conference hotel who carried a box of books to my room refused a tip. He was thin and not young. He said he remembered the conference from the year before, remembered particular women – he knew that I hadn't been there – and that he had been very excited when he heard that Nolose was coming back. He wanted to honor this gathering of fat dykes, transgendered folks and allies, so was giving both work and praise.
Speaking with passion, telling me something that clearly mattered to him a lot, he said: "My name is Antonio. When you see me, know that for me it's not just about money."
Speaking with passion, telling me something that clearly mattered to him a lot, he said: "My name is Antonio. When you see me, know that for me it's not just about money."
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 05:13 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 07:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 05:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 07:05 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 06:15 am (UTC)Like Sturgeon, I wondered what the staff thought of us. Were we freaky and disturbing? A relief?
I have to say, I personally found the people who seemed to be more "usual" guests a little scary in my limited interactions with them (which included a woman refusing to get on an otherwise empty elevator with me and another midsized NOLOSE-er and other delightful things). I sure wouldn't want to be hotel staff in general.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 07:11 am (UTC)And yeah, those hotel jobs are clearly tough -- badly paid and so demanding.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 06:40 am (UTC)At first this felt really welcoming, but it soon got a little weird. We couldn't tell if he was gleeful and supportive (go fat dykes) or just had a massive fetish. But all in all it was a very welcoming.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 07:17 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 07:24 am (UTC)In part, maybe we were just so very used to expecting the cold shoulder (or worse) that we simply didn't know what to make of it.
Thanks for writing in with more...
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 07:40 am (UTC)Well, pure at heart or not, he put a lot of energy into making a welcome. Refusing tips in that job is a big deal. He was talking about being poor, but being rich in his heart, so I gave him one of my books, and told him that it was work of my own heart.
I know what you mean about being used to the cold shoulder. It can be eerie and confusing when it suddenly it isn't there.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 07:46 am (UTC)They're definitely poopy.
The hotel staff 2 years in a row have been pretty wonderful.
you're so nice to give that man a book.
you're so sweet! but we knew that already.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 08:13 am (UTC)Sad to say, she wasn't getting in.
Talk about sweetness! Spending hours to go get friends whose car has broken down on the way to the conference and dealing with fat-phobic cards at a nearby restaurant so nobody else has to -- that's sweetness, and toughness too. You rock. And saying good night while I was standing on the edge of the pool and you were in water with light coming from below the surface gave me one of my lingering images of beauty from the weekend.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 09:00 am (UTC)::blush::
thank you for sharing that memory.
i can't find the words to express what i'm feeling about that. there's something really powerful for me about being "seen" by an artist that isn't about ego. (ok, maybe a little bit about ego) it feels like an exchange, that i become part of something larger, out of my control, more than just ordinary me, becoming a part of you, your "toolbox"....
thank you xoxo
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 10:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 11:11 am (UTC)My God. I've seen offensive cocktail napkins (the kind printed with such witty sayings as "Women should be struck regularly, like gongs"), but this is appalling.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 08:08 am (UTC)A number of years ago, I lost a lot of weight in a short period of time: I went from 262 (at 5'3") to 163 at my lowest, in ten months, before starting to gain it all back--with friends. I was amazed at how differently people treated me when I was thinner: almost everyone looked me in the eye more. Strangers engaged with me more. Colleagues afforded me more respect. Men and women regarded me with erotic interest. Store clerks, waitstaff and other service people were friendlier. One would think that this better treatment would feel good, right? Actually, it scared the hell out of me. I didn't know how to cope with it, didn't know who I was anymore, didn't know how to handle the social pressures--and it made me really, really angry. And what really got to me were the endless people who stopped me and wanted to know all about my weight loss and how I was doing it, like I was going to reveal some big secret. Sometimes I told them simply, "eat less, exercise more" which always seemed to disappoint them. Sometimes I told them I just didn't want to talk about it. Sometimes I answered their questions vaguely and stiffly and excused myself from their presence. I wanted to scream at them to shut up, my body is none of their business!
If I ever go through that again, I will be better prepared to handle the questions. I'm trying to learn to love myself for who I am no matter what size I am, and hopefully learn to focus more on being healthy and happy. I'm curious about NOLOSE and so have been reading the group entries a bit lately; it sounds like you had a wonderful conference. Maybe you'll see me there next year. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 08:24 am (UTC)It'd be lovely if you decided to come to Nolose next year. It's a friendly bunch.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 08:48 am (UTC)I didn't make any of these changes to become "normal," but because I had put on some more weight and didn't fit my clothes anymore and simply can't afford a new wardrobe. Also, I was feeling very lethargic and would get out-of-breath walking up a moderate, paved hill. I started walking to work and stopped stalling my metabolism by eating only once or twice a day, usually before bed.
I have dropped 40 pounds and will probably go another 20. Nothing terribly dramatic. I will still be fat. I am 30 years old and have always been fat. I love my curves and soft flesh. To be perceived as thin when I identify as fat would be just.... I can't even imagine.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 09:57 am (UTC)One question I have is that if folks are saying that you should be proud that you're thinner is whether it implies you should be ashamed -- or feel lesser -- if you're fat -- or more fat. I experience that stuff that way, as part of the larger cultural bias that says thinner is always better.
Me, I love the whole range of human size, and always, always, I'm wishing you well.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 05:09 pm (UTC)And your question raised a memory in me. I ran into an artist friend of mine several years back. She was a fat woman** who had dropped some considerable amount of weight. She was still beautiful and curvy, but part of what made me approach her to comment (we were at a huge party at a club) was that she just looked so incredibly happy.
I considered my words before I went up to her, because I felt that saying either "You look fantastic!" and/or "Congratulations!" was suggesting that all the time I knew her before this weight loss I'd been thinking, "God, you would look fantastic if only...
But then I thought about how hard it is to lose weight. Our bodies fight it every step of the way; we all have a place where our body is comfortable (whether we are comfortable or not is about emotions / emotional adjustment, I think). And so it was clear that she had decided that she wanted to lose weight, and had then worked damn hard to do so, and if everyone studiously ignored that she has lost a certain amount of weight, she would get no positive feedback for her determination and work. And so I did tell her that she looked beautiful, and that of course she always had; and I did offer my congratulations because I thought they were in order for doing the things that few of us in the world can actually do (when and if we want to, and I'm by no means implying that everyone wants to). We had a great talk, and actually grew closer that night, partly I think because I did comment positively on her weight loss (thus not ignoring it), but in a way which was acceptable to her.
** I thought about it before using the word fat to describe my friend, and I'd love to know your thoughts. I used it because it's a word I'm seeing used by so many people who are so fucking healthily in love with themselves. And I feel like writing about her by saying, "She was a large woman." would be ... it's as if by not naming it I'm saving her the embarrassment of it. The sweet euphemism.
At the same time, I know that while the term "fat" is being reclaimed, it's also still used derogatorily. A lot. So... what do you think? ... I guess generally if someone uses a term (perhaps especially a reclaimed term) to describe themselves, it is generally acceptable for others who are allies and friends to do so. But what if I'm talking about someone for whom I don't her/his personal id/comfort therein? Of course, in most situations, the question isn't going to come up, but what about when it does because it's relevant to the conversation re. what we did or what happened etc.?
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-17 05:24 am (UTC)As for using the word fat, yeah, using it with accurate respect is a pretty big gift -- euphemisms pack such a wallop in shame. Using it as a simple descriptive term also takes away much of its sting when folks try to use it as an insult, so it's powerful that way, too. Since you don't know how your friend would id, my take is that the less euphemistic term is the most respectful, as well as being the most clear. I use the word fat a lot, and I've seen people changed by that when I was just saying something I needed to say, like the name of one of my books or what I did last weekend, but, like you, I try to be aware of how others think of themselves, and what language would best communicate to them.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-21 02:31 am (UTC)What I wrote was:
Me, I don't comment on changes in people's weight. I work hard to respect other people's choices, but for most, weight loss is temporary, and all of those congratulations can be so haunting when you're gaining it back
Thank you for this. It's made me rethink.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-21 06:30 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 11:21 am (UTC)These days I'm in the mid 200s, and I do see some occasional contempt or dismissal. It's been hard finding a job, for example. Finding lovers has never been a problem.
I dress and carry myself a lot better, I know I'm sexy, and I know that losing (or gaining) weight doesn't change who I am. I do not put up with dismissive behavior based on my size, whatever the numbers may be.
Some of that wisdom is surely middle age. Some is self-knowledge. And some is having experienced both extremes.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 04:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 06:41 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 07:18 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 07:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 08:23 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 08:37 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 10:00 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 09:35 am (UTC)The regular hotel guests did seem bewildered & freaked out. None of them laughed at me though. I think the pink hair and big ass boots intimidate those kind of people too much for them to make fun of me to my face.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 10:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 10:39 am (UTC)so if there was a competition, who'd win? the fabulous fatties or the uptighties?
(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 09:56 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 10:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 01:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-16 04:30 pm (UTC)Contagion
Date: 2004-07-16 11:12 pm (UTC)A couple of frat boys from the conservative school a mile or two away were heading towards us. As they got closer, one clutched the other's arm in shock, and whispered "Lesbians!", pulling him far out of the path to avoid us.
Re: Contagion
Date: 2004-07-17 05:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-18 11:13 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-07-18 11:39 am (UTC)drunk asian girl
Date: 2008-08-16 09:17 pm (UTC)Subject2
Date: 2008-10-09 02:32 am (UTC)Bye